Parents – to obey or honour?
One of the main things that younger people in our congregation will be working through is how to relate appropriately to their parents (and for parents, it’ll be how to relate to their children). And surprise surprise, this has always been the case – even in Bible times!
When the aposle Paul outlines the kinds of sins that the world has descended into, one of those is that they ‘disobey their parents’ (Rom 1:30, also see 2 Tim 3:2). And we see this in the Old Testament as well - in Exodus 21:15 and 17, we learn about children who attack or curse their parents! This is because the fallen world twists relationships out of their created order. This is one (fairly domestic) way in which human sinfulness expresses itself.
In the New Testament the apostles give instructions as to how God’s people, now redeemed, are now to live in restored relationships with one another. They talk about how husbands and wives are to relate appropiately within God’s order, how rich people should relate to poor people – and not surprisingly, how children and parents are to relate to one another. And you know, for the apostle Paul to write stuff about it, you know it must have been an issue back then as well!
1. Obeying and honouring
Here in Colossians, the apostle Paul tells children to obey their parents:
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.Colossians 3:20 (NIV)
But the Bible also talks about honouring our parents:
"Honour your father and mother so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."Exodus 20:12 (NIV)
‘Obey’ and ‘honour’ are related, but different terms. How do they fit together? The following diagram should help:
We all move from childhood to adulthood (left to right on the diagram). The period in between childhood and adulthood is called adolesence. This is when we are leaving childhood behind, and starting to work out what it is to be an adult. How should a person relate to their parents at each stage along the way?
In childhood, it’s appropriate for children to obey their parents. They are older, generally wiser, have responsibility for their children, and know what’s best for their children. In God’s order, it’s appropriate for children to be obeying their parents.
In adulthood, it’s appropriate for the adult to honour their parents. These adults are no longer little kids, and have now grown up to be able to make responsible decisions on their own, with the benefit of the training their parents have invested in them in their childhood. Hopefully, they have learnt wisdom. The relationship now changes from doing whatever their parents tell them, to honouring their parents by themselves living wisely towards others around them (by relating well), towards themselves (by making wise decisions), and towards God (remember: the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom).
The adolescent is moving from childhood to adulthood, and this is never an instantaneous thing. You don’t immediately ‘become’ and adult overnight – it’s a gradual process of learning to make those first few responsible decisions yourself. And as a result, here it’s not really appropriate for there to be outright obedience to parents (since how else can an adolescent learn?), nor is the adolescent yet a fully-fledged adult.
2. Why do conflicts happen?
Problems arise because on the one hand, adolescents generally want to ‘hurry up’ the process. And so you have the 14 year old who demands to be treated like an adult (see next diagram), alarming their parents!
On the other hand, parents want to ‘slow down’ the process (see next diagram). And so you will always have the parents wanting to ‘baby’ their children, even when they are well into true adulthood. This frustrates their children.
The desire to ‘hurry up’ or ‘slow down’ the process can sometimes come from sinful reasons, as you can well imagine. It’s easier to see the sins of others than it is to see your own, but some honest self-reflection will show that you have probably also been at fault.
Be aware too that ‘obey’ and ‘honour’ are not opposites, but have their own opposites. That is, if you are not obeying your parents, it does not mean that you are therefore honouring your parents. The opposite of obey is disobey, and the opposite of honour is dishonour. It sounds fairly obvious, but it’s worth saying that just because you’re not obeying your parents, it doesn’t mean that you have moved on to honouring them – you may merely be disobeying them!
3. What does all this mean?
Parents need to lighten up a little, and allow adolescents to gradually begin taking more and more steps that will lead to true adulthood. And during this process, to be secure in their own self-image! The danger for many parents is to define themselves in terms of their children – and now that their children are becoming more responsible in their own right, they feel they are losing a part of themselves. Ridiculous: you need to think of yourself primarily as someone who belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ. That should be the primary guide for your self-image, not your role in your family!
But as a Christian parent you also need to make sure you are doing your job in training up your child in godly wisdom. You must be thoughtful and intentional in the values you transmit to your children (Ephesians 6:4) – not merely transmitting values drawn from materialism and Confucianism. The Bible warns us very severely about that (Luke 17:1-3a)!
Adolescents need to realise that they don’t immediately ‘become’ adults at the age of 14. Remember that the process is actually slower than we would like it to be! Yes, it’s appropriate for us to be taking increasingly greater steps towards adulthood, but our parents are there during our adolescent years to protect us and guide us as we do so. They may not be perfect parents, but they are the ‘authorities’ that God has instituted over us, and you should respect them (especially Christian parents). They are accountable to God!
You also need to be aware that what parents are wanting to see in you is not independence, but responsibility. Work hard at making responsible decisions (about things as well as relationiships) in areas where you’ve been given the freedom to make those decisions. Your parents will see you grow in responsibility, and realise you’re becoming an adult.
For people in a bi-cultural situation such as ourselves, there is also an added dimension. Adolescents are from the ABC culture (Australian Born Chinese), and their parents are often from the OBC culture (Overseas Born Chinese). And a strong influence for OBCs, even though we don’t like to admit it, is Confucianism. And one important aspect of Confucianism is the respect shown to parents and elders by obeying them. On the other hand, a strong influence for ABCs is Western Individualism, and this comes out in wanting to do our own thing, being our own person. We need to be aware that both of these are non-Christian philosophies, and do not automatically reflect Christian values! What we need to do is let God’s word critique all of our cultures… but that’s for another day!
[ PS: any other words of wisdom on relating to parents? or children? ]
Categories: Chinese culture
