Talking to parents about full time ministry – II
But consider: what is it that you’re really trying to do in telling your parents you are considering FTM? You really want to do two things, and they are these:
- you want to make a wise decision about full time ministry; and
- you want to do the right thing in your relationship with your parents.
Now your parents aren’t the decision makers here – you are. It’s your responsibility to make a wise decision about yourself. And so you must not let other people make that decision for you – that would be irresponsible!
Now this means that if people are telling you to do FTM, that’s something to take notice of - but ultimately you are the one responsible to make a wise decision. You can’t let them make your decision for you! But conversely, if people are telling you not to do FTM (such as your parents), that’s also important for you to consider. But again, you are still the one responsible to make a wise decision.
This means two things. Firstly, it means that you can be free from guilt if you are thoroughly convinced that gospel ministry really is the wisest thing to do. Your parents may be one of those who "hit the roof", but you don’t let them make your decisions for you. You are the one who’s responsible to do that.
But secondly, it also means that you’re responsible to get all the information you can in making a wise decision. And this also involves listening closely to what other people have to say – including your parents. Even if they’re against you doing FTM. You see, in making a decision like this, you want to hear the good as well as the bad. And so you need to find out the reasons behind them being against you doing FTM. Sometimes they may simply be selfish reasons. But sometimes they may have actually observed things about you that you need to pay attention to.
And so when it comes to telling your parents that you’re thinking about FTM, here are three important things you can do.
1. Tell them early – this is because there’s always going to be the initial shock. If they have more time to process your news, they may end up not reacting so badly once you actually go into full time ministry. It will also show that it’s not something that you’re deciding on the spur of the moment – but something you realise you need to make a careful decision on. And it also gives them time to contribute constructively in your decision making process.2. Make use of their wisdom - they have had many years of observing you at your best and your worst. And so talk to them and see if you can get them to help you to make good decisions. In fact, use those actual words: "I need your help in making a good decision here." That will make them feel that you respect them for their wisdom.And of course, it’s not just tickling their egos – they can have useful things to contribute to your decision making. You may disagree with the conclusions they’ve drawn (eg. "you should not do full time ministry"), but you can still benefit from finding out the evidence on which they’ve built their conclusions (eg. "we can see that you are not tough enough for this sort of job").But not only that - they also have had lots of life experience, and may be very good at (say) handling money. So you can get them to help you with the side of things that they may excel at. For instance: "this is what I’ll need in future - should I invest some money now, or leave it in a bank?" Having them being involved in the process may also help lessen their anxiety.3. Show obvious responsibility – what Asian parents want for their kids is not that they become independent - but that they become responsible. And so if you can show them that you are making responsible decisions, they will feel much better about your decision. You see, their fear is that you’re an impressionable young punk who is being influenced by other young punks – and wrecking your life as a result!Well, you want to show them that you’re not just an impressionable young punk. So tell your parents what your friends have said to you – but also show them that you carefully evaluate their words. And actively listen to your parents’ concerns – but again, also show them that you carefully evaluate their words. What you’re trying to do is to make a wise, responsible decision – and what will help your parents is if they see that you are being responsible in your decision making.
There is a fourth thing that you can do to help your parents along – although you will not be able to do it directly. However, it can make a big difference, particularly for Christian parents! But more on that next time…
[ PS: check out a related post from 1st January about the relationship between parents and children! ]
Categories: Ministry
Good tips Andrew.
I talked to my parents years ago about going into f/t paid ministry while I was in high school. Next year I\’ll be heading to SMBC.
I think involving your parents in your life should be normal including plans for the future. Even if your parents are not normal.
I guess as you get older, you realise that your parents were right all along. They may not be perfect, but they "were young once too".
I think another aspect is working out FTM with the in-laws. I mean for guys, the "can you take care of my daughter?" question takes on a whole new dimesion.
Aaron
Thanks for your tips Andrew, they\’ve been most helpful. Hopefully I\’ll get a chance to speak to you in person about this soon…once this HSC thing is out of the way!
That\’s right, Aaron. It hopefully shouldn\’t be something you start doing all of a sudden, just because you want to do FTM! It\’s actually God\’s plan that older teach younger.
And in fact if people start talking to their parents earlier on, and for other issues, then their parents will generally start realising that their kids are responsible – and give them greater freedom!