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In this follow-up post, I’ll be outlining some of the ways – both good and bad – that people use in relating to their parents. You can imagine the four of these models arranged into a quadrant (see diagram).

1. Compliance

In this model, the child does whatever the parent tells the child to do. While this may be appropriate for young children, it becomes more and more inappropriate for adult children. As an adult, their aim should be to honour their parents (see earlier post).

Yet out of a desire to keep the peace, or out of laziness to commit the emotional energy needed to truly engage with their parents, or perhaps by not being aware of other ways of relating, an adult child might still relate using the compliance model.  This is further complicated when parents want for their children to keep relating to them under the compliance model, well into true adulthood.

While there may be compliance on the outside in terms of behaviour, on the inside the child might all the while be harbouring resentment and hatred. And while the child may have grown up, the relationship with the parents has not.

2. Disengagement

In this model the child is passively disinterested in the constant nagging of the parent. They may shut themselves in their room, or cut themselves off emotionally from their parents, or  seek any way to cut short conversations. This model often appears in adolesence – picture the noncommunicative teenager!

This stems from the awareness that somehow, things are now different in the relationship – but an uncertainty as to how to relate to parents in a new situation. And perhaps the simplest solution to this discomfort is to withdraw, and talk as little as possible.

Ironically, parents often respond to disengagement by pursuing their teenager (or even adult child) more and more, since it seems that their words of caution and wisdom aren’t sinking in. And so caring parents repeat their messages again and again so as to be heard – but this is perceived as nagging. The situation that was once merely uncomfortable for the child now becomes annoying – and this then leads to a vicious cycle where the child retreats further and further from their parents.

3. Confrontation

In this model the child reacts against their parents making use of their newly discovered powers of articulation and personhood. All of a sudden they discover their rights as a person, and how their rights are not being respected by parents. And this comes out in the fights they have with their parents. "I’m an adult now, I can go out if I want, you can’t stop me."

This is one of the unfortunate outcomes of Western individualism’s focus on the individual’s rights – the relationships we are in must necessarily take second place.

4. Engagement

In this final model, the adult child is actively engaging with their parents. The adult child is relating to their parents as an adult, seeking to understand their arguments, showing interest in their views, sharing information that they have, and asking for advice. In short, engagement is acting responsibly. I detailed five steps to engagement in the last post (see previous post).

But observe that engagement is different from compliance. In compliance the parent is the one doing the thinking and making decisions; in engagement the child is the one making decisions, and enlists the help of parents in their thinking and decision making process. The adult child is now the one who makes decisions – and does so in a responsible manner.

And engagement is different from confrontation. It shares with it the use of the child’s powers of articulation and awareness of personhood – but it is mature, not childish. The adult child realises that to make responsible decisions, it is wise to listen to the counsel of their parents. To seek their advice. And the adult child realises that they are not merely individuals, but beings created for relationships.

[ PS: what model characterises your relationship with your parents? ]