Forgiveness – and its absence in Chinese culture!
1. How common is forgiveness in the Chinese household?
Recently our church ran a children’s holiday programme, and one of the things they talked about was forgiveness. But to the great surprise of the leaders, many of the primary schoolers did not know what forgiveness was!
Children understand forgiveness in one of two ways: either (a) they are recipients of forgiveness by someone, or (b) someone asks the child to forgive them. It’s from experiencing forgiveness in everyday relationships that children learn what forgiveness is all about!
But the thing is that forgiveness is rare in the dynamics of a Chinese household…
Consider: it’s highly unusual for a Chinese parent to say, "Look son, I forgive you." And almost unheard of for a Chinese parent to say, "Son, I was wrong to lose my temper last night. Will you forgive me?"
Instead what usually happens is that relationship problems are swept under the carpet. There might have been a lot of yelling at night, but on the next morning things carry on as usual, with no sign that anything had happened the previous night. Relationships are restored and the issue dropped – without forgiveness.
Or perhaps after a lot of scolding the parent might emit a frustrated "aaaaaah!", waving their hand in a disgusted fashion. Signalling that they want to be rid of this issue – but maintaining that they are still in the right. And of course reserving the right to bring this matter up in any number of future arguments.
2. Can we really have reconciliation without forgiveness?
What’s behind this is partly the concern for one’s face. A Chinese person obviously loses face by asking for forgiveness, since it highlights their inferior moral position. But a Chinese person also loses face by offering forgiveness – because by doing so there is a feeling that you are letting go of the right you have over someone. This is why it is so rare to find forgiveness in the dynamics of Chinese relationships.
This might bring about the effect of reconciliation – but not through the means of forgiveness. The outcome of reconciliation is actually quite important, and so Chinese people will work towards that – or at least towards the appearance of harmony. "Why insist on forgiveness, when we can still achieve reconciliation?" it is argued." Shouldn’t that be our goal, after all?"
And so as to achieve a kind of reconciliation and preserve face at the same time, Chinese avoid forgiveness entirely in favour of quietly dropping the argument overnight. Or in favour of magnanamously relenting, while holding on to their right to be hurt.
However it is not up to us to decide that reconciliation without forgiveness is acceptable among the people of God. We are to be a people of forgiveness who, astoundingly, forgive as the Lord has forgiven us. We are to be experts at forgiveness! In Colossians 3 Paul says,
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:12-13 (NIV)
It’s clear here that it’s not just reconciliation – but forgiveness that God demands of us!
3. How do we become a people who forgive much?
But there is another reason why we do not forgive. And it’s because we Chinese tend to think there’s really not a great deal we ourselves have to be forgiven for…
At this point you should go and read two earlier posts on the Chinese understanding of sin here and here. But essentially neo-Confucianism on the one hand, and an unfortunate choice in the translation of the Chinese Union Bible on the other predisposes Chinese Christians to believe that they themselves are not actually very sinful – and therefore not in very great need of forgiveness!
In Luke 7 Jesus is criticised for allowing a woman to clean and anoint his feet with perfume and her tears. Jesus tells a story about two men, one who had a large debt cancelled, and another a smaller debt cancelled. And what we see in this woman was that her many sins had been forgiven!
We withold forgiveness because we imagine we are educated and virtuous ren with a good and respectable lien – like the respectable dinner guests around Jesus. But in the gospel we learn that we are nothing of the sort – we are the sinful woman! And so ultimately we become a forgiving people, not because we force ourselves to do so magnanamously, but as an overflow of seeing the full depth and horror of our sin – and the enormous forgiveness we have received in the Lord Jesus Christ!
[ PS: how awesome it would be if our families became models of how forgiveness works! ]
Categories: Chinese culture
